Certain things are still hard to watch…

So I’m continuing in my Smallville watching and found myself crying during an episode in season 2. (if you’ve seen the show it’s the one with Ryan’s reappearance) As I swapped out the discs I realized that it doesn’t really matter what the show or movie is, I have a hard time watching certain things.

Let me give you a few examples and see if you can guess what it is that makes them hard for me to watch (Beware of spoilers if you’ve never seen Buffy, BSG or Smallville):

The Smallville episode mentioned above
The episode of Buffy where her mom chooses to go back to the hospital for overnight observation. Specifically the end where she’s on the back porch.
The episode of Buffy called “The Body”
Many scenes in BSG, particularly the very end

In case your guess is death, you’re close but that’s not really it. There are plenty of other things I watch where people die and it’s sad but I don’t sob during them.

The other thing all those episodes (and various other things) have in common is the death (or implied death) of someone with a prolonged and untreatable illness. Hell, the first time I saw the Buffy episode “The Body” I sobbed the entire time (into a Jayne Hat I was knitting). It hurt to watch each of the story arcs that involved those particular things.

And there’s a good reason for that. As of the end of this month it will have been 2 years since Nana went into the ER , (then into the ICU as unresponsive) and was diagnosed with terminal cancer in her lungs and brain and given 6 or less months to live. Hell, that day the docs were pretty sure she’d never wake up again. As you probably know, she did open her eyes and wake back up for me during one of my ICU visitation times. After a stay in there and then in a regular hospital room she was allowed to return home. My mother came down and became her primary caregiver with me as her backup. I spent a great deal of time with them as soon as I was off work. Nana gave me PoA and also made me her executor. I tried to make sure all the bills were paid on time and all the paperwork was in order. It allowed my mom to not have to deal with that as well.

Nana died just under three months later at the end of May.

While I’ve managed to finally be able to picture her in my mind and not see her as she was in those three months (instead I’m finally able to picture her as she’d rather be remembered….with a colander on her head) I still have a hard time watching things on tv that involve similar situations. It brings back all the memories and feelings of those three months. I’m not sure how long I’ll continue to sob uncontrollably at these things or if I’ll always be affected by them from now on.

In any case, I much prefer it when I know what’s coming up rather than being ambushed by it like I was with the Smallville episode tonight.

And now you know a little bit more about this Elf.

Me and Nana

Me and Nana


~ by rumielf on February 12, 2011.

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